Community Leadership Gifts

"I suggest you take an Empathy pill every day."

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

'Don't feel bad — all tree huggers get a splinter now and then.'

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"I'm voting for Stephen because I cannot stand Katie's mother, she is so catty! Anyway-- how're your parents doing with the divorce?"

Carmel Buildings, Portman Square: A temperance meeting.

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

"They want to put up a new cell tower in our neighbourhood?! We don't need more of those radio emission eyesores here! I'm gonna complain... ...as soon as I have better signal strength."

"This town ain't big enough for the proposed outlet shopping mall at Millet Creek Pass."

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

Arizona In Black

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

Sign Reform

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"That's our new church mascot."

'Sorry mate. Your church doesn't meet the minimum building code.'

Now I'll open up the floor to questions and batsh*t crazy rants.

"Tia Carmen, if times are tough, how come you're giving money away?"

"As a member of the Sunday praise team you are not allowed to "change it up", whenever you feel led."

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

'For five years you can't get a single politician to take any notice of you...and then half a dozen turn up at once!'

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

STRIP *Community Care * 'client empowerment' policy

Obama Yes We Can.

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

'They're just a few bored students with some vague ideology. They'll be gone and forgotten in no time.'

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

Social Worker

'While they're still enthusiastic do you think we could get them to take on climate change and the war on drugs as well?'

'My problem is that I am an informed citizen.'

Follow God On Twitter

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'