Church Member Gifts

'Page 37 in your hymnals and selection #15 on your iPods.'

'So, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, the financial report is approved.'

Church Restoration Fund.

"Sure. Call me anytime. Call me for breakfast, call me for lunch, call me for dinner, call me...."

"Can we discuss this?"

'Getting ready for the church chili supper is bad enough without you calling it the 'Pre-Tribulation'!'

Midwest Winter Items.

'We finally nailed down where our congregation's priorities lie!'

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"Of course I would love to host a spa day for all pastor's wives."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

Bible Bloopers

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

'..Then people will say, 'Why can't dogs get married?'.. And then, 'Why can't cats and dogs marry?'..'

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

'And now, concerning the special collection...'

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

God's Law.

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"If she has the voice of an angel I sure hope the others drown her out."

The worship singer suspects someone doesn't appreciate his talent after finding his mic muted for the 3rd time.

Four Chanting Monks

'Nobody's leaving till I get the offering plate back!'

'I really can't think of a blessed thing to preach about this morning, so I'll entertain questions from the floor.'

'We beseech thee oh Lord, tweet us they word.'

Chruch member about preacher: 'Pastor Woodsley has old fashioned power point.'

Choirboy

'We're donating our organist to science.'

'I know we're laying up treasures in Heaven, but I still think you should talk to the Church Board about your pension,'

"Forgive me Father, I'm about to sin."

Keyboard in Front of a Organ

'...and blessed be our new church nursery, which allows certain congregation members to catch up on their sleep during my sermon.'