New Church Membership Gifts

'...and blessed be our new church nursery, which allows certain congregation members to catch up on their sleep during my sermon.'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

Lady drying hair whilst on exercise bike.

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

Verger Works

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"That's our new church mascot."

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

Gym. Check in Here. The only time I feel the burn is when I pay the memberbship fee.

Midwest Winter Items.

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"Today's sermon will be followed immediately by a rebuttal from the opposition."

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

'I'm falling in love with Eddie... he has the most beautiful biggest organ ever!'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Oh nooo, we can't skip church. Why, we'll just sleep when we're dead!"

Ring for Service.

"It's a cup holder."

'And now, concerning the special collection...'

'Fortunately, the Almighty is compassionate, kind, understanding, and hopefully tone deaf.'

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Choirmaster conducting, with one hand over a choirboy's mouth.

Todays Sermon: 'Can our entitlements be saved?'

Church Restoration Fund.

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

First O.M.G. church.