Joining A New Church Gifts

"Welcome to the Lord's House. Now in high definition."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

Early Piety

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"That's our new church mascot."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Verger Works

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

God is for life not just for Christmas.

"Today's sermon will be followed immediately by a rebuttal from the opposition."

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

"Oh nooo, we can't skip church. Why, we'll just sleep when we're dead!"

Finger puppets in church.

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"It's a cup holder."

"Since you're into burnt offerings you should come over some Sunday for one of her special dinners."

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

'I'm falling in love with Eddie... he has the most beautiful biggest organ ever!'

"Pastor Bob is the leader of the flock, son, not the herd."

'Fortunately, the Almighty is compassionate, kind, understanding, and hopefully tone deaf.'

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Choirmaster conducting, with one hand over a choirboy's mouth.

Todays Sermon: 'Can our entitlements be saved?'

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

Angry vicar wakes up parishioner at the Harvest Festival