Starting A New Religious Role Gifts

"You realise that the job involves Sunday work?"

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"Before I read the financial report I have to ask... do any of you have a weapon?"

St. Elmo's fired.

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

R.C.I.A.

'I still say there are better ways to decide which positions to eliminate!'

"They're going to be tough shoes to fill."

"I got the promotion. Instead of Wednesdays, I'm now the one who gets blamed when things go wrong on Tuesdays."

Got god? (no you don't...He's got you!)

"We learned in Sunday School today that God uses illegal surveillance techniques."

'Nobody's leaving till I get the offering plate back!'

Monk with a smiley face on his tonsure.

"Let's start a small group."

'It's taken me time to adjust to the different management style here.'

"Can you put some sunscreen on my ankles."

"T.G.I.F."

Avoidance of Situation/Work required to succeed.

'...and blessed be our new church nursery, which allows certain congregation members to catch up on their sleep during my sermon.'

"That vicar really knows how to put the fear of god into people."

"For goodness sake brother. Haven't you finished that note to the milkman yet?"

"Do you have a minute to talk about God?"

'It's unto thee.'

"Welcome to the team, you'll mainly be working from home and just popping into the office every few weeks for a bit of chitchat and bonhomie."

Growing Churches

Selling to the devil.

The dove returns to Noah's Ark carrying an olive branch in a martini.

'Thanks, but next time can you be more subtle when you think my sermon has gone too long?'

"Don't even think of going over my head Brother James!"

'Hello, Madame, we'd like to talk to you about cod...'

"Good news, Spreadbury - you're to become the executive plaything."

"A new preacher. He still has that new car smell."

Congratulations on your promotion, Bob, but I should tell you that no one has lasted over a month at the Department of What Could Possibly Go Wrong.