New Church Member Gifts

Growing Churches

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"That's our new church mascot."

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Verger Works

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

Midwest Winter Items.

"Today's sermon will be followed immediately by a rebuttal from the opposition."

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

'I'm falling in love with Eddie... he has the most beautiful biggest organ ever!'

"It's a cup holder."

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Oh nooo, we can't skip church. Why, we'll just sleep when we're dead!"

'And now, concerning the special collection...'

'Fortunately, the Almighty is compassionate, kind, understanding, and hopefully tone deaf.'

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Choirmaster conducting, with one hand over a choirboy's mouth.

Todays Sermon: 'Can our entitlements be saved?'

Church Restoration Fund.

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

'Getting ready for the church chili supper is bad enough without you calling it the 'Pre-Tribulation'!'

Come To Church Today and Beat the Christmas Rush.

First O.M.G. church.

'Don't get me wrong, the Church is glad to hear your confession of improper contributions, but only the I.R.S. can grant absolution.'