Joining The Church Gifts

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

Early Piety

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"In the same of the phone, the tablet, and the desktop computer."

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

Verger Works

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"That's our new church mascot."

"We missed you at church Sunday."

Monk Prompt

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

Midwest Winter Items.

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

R.C.I.A.

God is for life not just for Christmas.

"Today's sermon will be followed immediately by a rebuttal from the opposition."

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

Finger puppets in church.

'I'm falling in love with Eddie... he has the most beautiful biggest organ ever!'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"I don't like the way the new pastor is looking at his flock."

"Since you're into burnt offerings you should come over some Sunday for one of her special dinners."

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

"Pastor Bob is the leader of the flock, son, not the herd."

"It's a cup holder."