Church Community Member Pillows

'And now, concerning the special collection...'

"We had 17 first time viewers on the live stream sermon today." (pastor talking to his wife)

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"That's our new church mascot."

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

Midwest Winter Items.

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

Human Rights for All

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

Church Restoration Fund.

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'Nobody's leaving till I get the offering plate back!'

Vicar prays for money for church repairs.

'Getting ready for the church chili supper is bad enough without you calling it the 'Pre-Tribulation'!'

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

'We beseech thee oh Lord, tweet us they word.'

Chruch member about preacher: 'Pastor Woodsley has old fashioned power point.'

"Relax, the vicar's surrounded the place with mouse traps."

'We're donating our organist to science.'

'We finally nailed down where our congregation's priorities lie!'

"Can we discuss this?"

When a teen finds out his parents are volunteering in the youth group.

'So, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, the financial report is approved.'

"Prayer does work! I wasn't picked for any of the church committees."

'Technically, you do qualify for five weeks of vacation, but your request for 35 Sundays off has to go under review.'

'Last week's sermon was supposed to be about Plagues, but I got the flu.'

Growing Churches

'I think I see why attendance has been down.'

'Thanks for the thought but we can't accept lottery tickets.'

'It was all she had to offer, vicar.'

"I mistakenly stood in the doorway when kids sunday school released."