Church Regular Gifts

"They're passing a plate? Great, I'm starved!"

'Hell's freezing over. The only thing I can figure is that Mr. Crenshaw gave up Sunday golf to go to church.'

"I haven't seen you in church lately, Mr. Smedly..."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"Rump roast?"

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"Waiter, there's a weapon of mass destruction in my soup!"

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

AA Meeting Here Today

"And would you like flies with that?"

"I'll have the barbecued half-pounder, with all the ramifications."

'Men order. . . women shop.'

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

I wish I'd had the review.

'The beef has been genetically modified to make it taste like a more expensive cut.'

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

"We have; pulled pork, enticed chicken, persuaded lamb, bullied beef, cajoled Turkey..."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

Prawn Cocktail Please

Don't go out in the rain without an umbrella....was probably not 'his idea' of a tip, dear!'

"Everything is dandy--and our intestinal biomes are joyous."

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

"This controls the speed, this opens the door and if you press the red button a maintenance man appears and gives you a very large bill"

'George, you're supposed to be tasting the wine, not seeing what effect it has.'