Hospital Regular Gifts

'Two Aspirins'...'Brain Tumor'

"Now, this is going to feel like I'm sticking my finger up your a*s."

Our constant rescheduling of your stress test was the first part of the stress test.

'Hey, this guy's been operated on before!'

'Just in case, I want you to shorten your Bucket List down to just one thing that you can do in this room.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"Rump roast?"

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

"Waiter, there's a weapon of mass destruction in my soup!"

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

I wish I'd had the review.

'The beef has been genetically modified to make it taste like a more expensive cut.'

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

'Men order. . . women shop.'

"I'll have the barbecued half-pounder, with all the ramifications."

"And would you like flies with that?"

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

"We have; pulled pork, enticed chicken, persuaded lamb, bullied beef, cajoled Turkey..."

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"Everything is dandy--and our intestinal biomes are joyous."

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'