Hospital Regular T-Shirts

'Two Aspirins'...'Brain Tumor'

"Now, this is going to feel like I'm sticking my finger up your a*s."

'Hey, this guy's been operated on before!'

'Just in case, I want you to shorten your Bucket List down to just one thing that you can do in this room.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"Rump roast?"

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Waiter, there's a weapon of mass destruction in my soup!"

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'The beef has been genetically modified to make it taste like a more expensive cut.'

"We have; pulled pork, enticed chicken, persuaded lamb, bullied beef, cajoled Turkey..."

"I'll have the barbecued half-pounder, with all the ramifications."

'Men order. . . women shop.'

I wish I'd had the review.

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

"And would you like flies with that?"

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

Don't go out in the rain without an umbrella....was probably not 'his idea' of a tip, dear!'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

"Everything is dandy--and our intestinal biomes are joyous."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'