Church Helper Gifts

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

Advances in Third World Healthcare

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

Nun Binning the Devil

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

CCTV in church.

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

Mental Health System Breakdown

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

'If you'll excuse me, my car is on fire.'

Cares and woes.

'Hello, Pastor Parker here. Thank you for calling moral support. Your call may be monitored to ... '

"It's a cup holder."

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

"I love how he finds joy in the simple things." "The emotional burden of alleviating his depression is crushing me."

Interning in D.C. Volunteering in Seattle. Trekking in Nepal. Lucky ducks! I'm stuck here working 2 jobs! Wow! You're getting paid?!! Who knew? Employment is this summer's must-have status symbol. Some parents envy you.

'What do you call money that slides off the collection plate?'

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

People bell ringing - 'RING TONES'

Bake Sale! To benefit our town animal shelter

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

'And then the Lord proclaimed, in a loud, thunderous voice...'

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

"You're correct, God doesn't need your tithe, but the church does."

"...And for anyone who forgot to bring something for the collection..."

"He's highly qualified to be our new associate pastor but he wants all weekends and holidays off - the same days I want off."

"Please turn to page 38 in your hymn-or-her books." The feminist cause marches on.

'Today's sex text is the song of Solomon.'