Church Management Gifts

'It's not as picturesque as the old steeple but it's saving a fortune in electricity bills!'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

Cleric with bible briefcase.

Bible Bloopers

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

'..Then people will say, 'Why can't dogs get married?'.. And then, 'Why can't cats and dogs marry?'..'

CCTV in church.

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

Nun Binning the Devil

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

"It's a cup holder."

'What do you call money that slides off the collection plate?'

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

Religious Maintenance: 24 Hr Callout.

Church In and Out Trays 'Lord Giveth' and 'Taketh away'

People bell ringing - 'RING TONES'

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

'Today's sex text is the song of Solomon.'

"Please turn to page 38 in your hymn-or-her books." The feminist cause marches on.

Holy Roller Church: We accept all denominations, but we are especially fond of $20, $50, $100, & $500...

"He's highly qualified to be our new associate pastor but he wants all weekends and holidays off - the same days I want off."

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

"...And for anyone who forgot to bring something for the collection..."

"You're correct, God doesn't need your tithe, but the church does."