Church Management Pillows

'It's not as picturesque as the old steeple but it's saving a fortune in electricity bills!'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

Cleric with bible briefcase.

Bible Bloopers

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

'..Then people will say, 'Why can't dogs get married?'.. And then, 'Why can't cats and dogs marry?'..'

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

CCTV in church.

Nun Binning the Devil

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

Religious Maintenance: 24 Hr Callout.

Church In and Out Trays 'Lord Giveth' and 'Taketh away'

"It's a cup holder."

'What do you call money that slides off the collection plate?'

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

People bell ringing - 'RING TONES'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

"He's highly qualified to be our new associate pastor but he wants all weekends and holidays off - the same days I want off."

"You're correct, God doesn't need your tithe, but the church does."

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

"...And for anyone who forgot to bring something for the collection..."

"Please turn to page 38 in your hymn-or-her books." The feminist cause marches on.

'Today's sex text is the song of Solomon.'

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate