Church Officials Gifts

Vatican Reforms

'We have to keep in mind, of course, that without evil we'd be obsolete.'

"And what have you done for us women?"

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

Benedict & Associates: Communication Strategies, Lobbying. . .

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

Cleric with bible briefcase.

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"That's our new church mascot."

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

'It's not as picturesque as the old steeple but it's saving a fortune in electricity bills!'

'Sorry mate. Your church doesn't meet the minimum building code.'

"Tia Carmen, if times are tough, how come you're giving money away?"

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

CCTV in church.

Nun Binning the Devil

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"As a member of the Sunday praise team you are not allowed to "change it up", whenever you feel led."

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'