Church Officer Gifts

'I know we're laying up treasures in Heaven, but I still think you should talk to the Church Board about your pension,'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Bible Bloopers

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

'..Then people will say, 'Why can't dogs get married?'.. And then, 'Why can't cats and dogs marry?'..'

'It's not as picturesque as the old steeple but it's saving a fortune in electricity bills!'

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

Nun Binning the Devil

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

CCTV in church.

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

'Hello, Pastor Parker here. Thank you for calling moral support. Your call may be monitored to ... '

'What do you call money that slides off the collection plate?'

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

Church In and Out Trays 'Lord Giveth' and 'Taketh away'

"It's a cup holder."

People bell ringing - 'RING TONES'

"Hello. I'm here to install the new pastor."

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

'And then the Lord proclaimed, in a loud, thunderous voice...'

Holy Roller Church: We accept all denominations, but we are especially fond of $20, $50, $100, & $500...

"Please turn to page 38 in your hymn-or-her books." The feminist cause marches on.

"You're correct, God doesn't need your tithe, but the church does."