Church Organist Gifts

'You're not what we hand in mind when we advertised for a new organist.'

'Any requests? 'Amazing Grace,' perhaps?'

Church Hymn

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Felix Mendelssohn

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

Malcolm Sargent

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

"As a member of the Sunday praise team you are not allowed to "change it up", whenever you feel led."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

CCTV in church.

Nun Binning the Devil

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

Cesar Franck

'I'm falling in love with Eddie... he has the most beautiful biggest organ ever!'

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

"It's a cup holder."

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

'What do you call money that slides off the collection plate?'

People bell ringing - 'RING TONES'

'I'm here for the organ transplant.'

'And if it ain't baroque, don't fix it.'

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

'And then the Lord proclaimed, in a loud, thunderous voice...'

Phantom of Casablanca