Church Elder Gifts

"You are taking the responsibility as an elder to shepherd the flock a little too serious."

"I short, we traded you to first Presbyterian for their associate pastor, their choir director, and a seminary student to be named later."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

'Dewey! Grandpa's stuck again. Give him a couple of whacks upside the head.'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Cleric with bible briefcase.

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"That's our new church mascot."

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

'Sorry mate. Your church doesn't meet the minimum building code.'

'It's not as picturesque as the old steeple but it's saving a fortune in electricity bills!'

"I often consult with a higher authority... my grandmother."

"As a member of the Sunday praise team you are not allowed to "change it up", whenever you feel led."

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

Nun Binning the Devil

CCTV in church.

Midwest Winter Items.

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"Tia Carmen, if times are tough, how come you're giving money away?"

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

"It's a cup holder."

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'