Church Usher Gifts

"Hold on there, didn't we just do this last week?"

"What's the current return on investment?"

Even though all of the positions were filled, Herman was convinced that his calling was to be an usher - somehow, someway.

"I think he's an usher from church, and he has a collection plate."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

Nun Binning the Devil

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

'I think I've now earned the right to wear God on my sleeve.'

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

CCTV in church.

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

"Pastor Bob is the leader of the flock, son, not the herd."

"It's a cup holder."

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

People bell ringing - 'RING TONES'

"Hello. I'm here to install the new pastor."

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

"...And for anyone who forgot to bring something for the collection..."

'Today's sex text is the song of Solomon.'

'Getting ready for the church chili supper is bad enough without you calling it the 'Pre-Tribulation'!'

Conclave.

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

'Are you putting on your Sunday Best, Felix?'

'It's an innovative way to boost attendance.'

Cathedral Made Safe.