Church Usher Pillows

"Hold on there, didn't we just do this last week?"

"What's the current return on investment?"

Even though all of the positions were filled, Herman was convinced that his calling was to be an usher - somehow, someway.

"I think he's an usher from church, and he has a collection plate."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

CCTV in church.

Nun Binning the Devil

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

'I think I've now earned the right to wear God on my sleeve.'

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

"Pastor Bob is the leader of the flock, son, not the herd."

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

"It's a cup holder."

People bell ringing - 'RING TONES'

"Hello. I'm here to install the new pastor."

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

'Today's sex text is the song of Solomon.'

"...And for anyone who forgot to bring something for the collection..."

'I'd like to attract them with dynamic preaching, but I'm not above luring them with sugar.'

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

'Getting ready for the church chili supper is bad enough without you calling it the 'Pre-Tribulation'!'

'Are you putting on your Sunday Best, Felix?'

Conclave.

'It's an innovative way to boost attendance.'

Cathedral Made Safe.