Stadium Usher Pillows

Stadium usher of the month.

Church for sports worshipers.

Radar Gun Readings at Baseball Stadium

'Yes! The momentum's going to shift now. Our home fan is starting to make some noise!'

'...You push the wrong button, and now, instead of our fans enjoying a fireworks display, we've got an international incident on our hands.'

Please Do Not Throw Cups of Beer At The Players... It's A Waste of Beer.'

A question you can't ask at a football game - 'Has anyone lost their keys?'

'Don't worry about the condition of the pitch, I've got my best goat working on it.'

"Won't be a minute Boss, just nippin' to the karzie."

'Always the usher, never the bride.'

'Oh great, who do you think's gonna have to clean that up.'

Theater Usher Moms.

"I've got a new job, mom! I'm in show business!"

Soccer Fans.

Crossing the thin line into show business

"I thought they decided who was the best team last year?"

His Other Shtick

'Ssssssh! There it is again. Hear that? It sounds like a muffled scream.'

There will now be an interval while the film comes back on.

Footballer's Wages

'Wow...I've got to admit, Stanley...when you said you always got the best seats I thought you were just blowing smoke.'

'I love high-definition TV!'

"What's the current return on investment?"

Sorry, this game is not available in your area

Theater Now Hiring Ushers. I'd be perfect! I love to put people in their place.

'Do not even think about it, Ron!'

'I told you these were great seats, but there is a downside. If you need to go to the restroom...'

"Hold on there, didn't we just do this last week?"

The public and private lives of a football steward

Richie McCaw

'It's sad. They bought season tickets with one of those risky sub-prime loans. Now they've got to sell fast or lose their seats.'

'We should have called weeks ago.'

"I bought this hot air balloon as soon as we got Sam Allardyce as manager!"

Even though all of the positions were filled, Herman was convinced that his calling was to be an usher - somehow, someway.

'For the last time, Kevin - I'm not carrying a torch for you. I'm a cinema usherette.'