Chatty Bartender Gifts

"Death Star? Is that in the Valley?"

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

Wanna talk about it?

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

Inappropriate horse whispering.

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"It's Olive isn't it?"

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"So Marty, how's business these days?" "Great. I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 34th time."

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

"I'm not whining."

''Is there anybody there?'

"Sipsies?"

"This may be the beer, Zoloft, Rogaine, Cialis and Avapro talking ... but I feel weird."

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

A breakthrough moment for the Wright brothers. How about some wings with that?

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

"So,... Can I call you?"