Chatty Bartender Gifts

"Death Star? Is that in the Valley?"

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

Wanna talk about it?

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

Inappropriate horse whispering.

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"It's Olive isn't it?"

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

"Sipsies?"

''Is there anybody there?'

"I'm not whining."

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

"So Marty, how's business these days?" "Great. I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 34th time."

"This may be the beer, Zoloft, Rogaine, Cialis and Avapro talking ... but I feel weird."

"So,... Can I call you?"

'Yeah, but did you hear the crowd roar when I hooked the cape out of your hands?'