Bar Talker Gifts

"I must admit, though, it was a man who taught me how to abuse my power."

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"Another flue shot, Larry.

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

Inappropriate horse whispering.

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'The divorce was ugly, but not as ugly as the marriage.'

"I'm not whining."

A breakthrough moment for the Wright brothers. How about some wings with that?

"Sipsies?"

'Tell me about it, buddy... I completely understand where you're coming from.'

"This may be the beer, Zoloft, Rogaine, Cialis and Avapro talking ... but I feel weird."

"So Marty, how's business these days?" "Great. I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 34th time."

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

"So,... Can I call you?"

'The way I got it doped out, post-modern man is all context and fragment.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'I don't let her have her way... she does it without my permission!'

I work for a nonprofit organization. Me, too. I appear in a comic strip.

"Stock photo, right?"

'Advertising: Don't get me started! I mean what's Phil Collins in a Gorilla suit, got to do with chocolate?'

"Careful, Blanch. I think he's up to something."

CartoonStock Upload"You are an all-round good guy!"

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'