Bar Banterer Gifts

'When it comes to marriage, I'm a failure - but I'm very good at honeymoons!'

'Hey carrot-breath! You still mad cause we ran you a little today? Hounds gotta make a living too, ya know.'

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

'Stop me when I start extolling the virtues of socialism.'

"... What sign was I born under? ... A big one which read, 'Maternity Unit'."

"You're welcome to visit my internet site, but not my apartment."

CartoonStock Upload"You are an all-round good guy!"

Special Euro 2020 Menu: Humble Pie

"Go on, impress me." "I can talk to animals."

"What are we actually celebrating here tonight?"

'Let's face it Sid. In this pub a 'Happy Hour' is one without a punch up...'

"Sipsies?"

'My idea of a man who's good in bed is one who stays on his own side!'

Non-alcoholic drinks.

'I stand corrected...things can get worse.'

A breakthrough moment for the Wright brothers. How about some wings with that?

"This may be the beer, Zoloft, Rogaine, Cialis and Avapro talking ... but I feel weird."

"It's the big guy."

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"It says here that study claims chimps and humans are 96% the same. What's your thoughts Derek?"

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

"I just saw some confused old goat pee all over the bathroom floor." "That was a mirror. And that wasn't the bathroom."

'Don't you think you've had enough?'