Beverage Banterer Gifts

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

"Death Star? Is that in the Valley?"

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'What worried me most is identity theft.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

'I like you, you've got balls.'

Teapot

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Excuse me, Jerrod, but I'm leaving you for Paul's competing narrative."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"My client greatly regrets the incident with the carving knife. However, in her defense, 14 people were coming for Thanksgiving and her husband, who had just one job to do, bought only 8 rolls."

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

Wine Talking

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

"I work from home because I can’t stand the sight of idiots." "Is that why you got rid of all our mirrors?"

"Have you heard of Murphy's Law 2.0? It's anything that could possibly go wrong often does...as well as a thing or two that couldn't possibly go wrong."

"You gave me the wrong drink. I demand a total refund!!" "OK. Where's the drink?" "What do you mean? I drank it. It wasn't till I was done that I realized it was the wrong drink. The right drink leaves a different aftertaste." "You can't finish the drink and then ask for a refund. That's not how it works." "You didn't tell me that before I paid for the wrong drink. So that's on you." "That's not how it works!"

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

"Hey Eric. Do you think they're silicone implants?"

Inappropriate horse whispering.