Bar Banterers Gifts

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

'I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits.'

"It says here that study claims chimps and humans are 96% the same. What's your thoughts Derek?"

That dolphin drinks like a fish.

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

'That guy is SO tacky.'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

"Is that neat whisky?"

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

Inappropriate horse whispering.

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

A breakthrough moment for the Wright brothers. How about some wings with that?

"Sipsies?"

"I'm not whining."

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

"So Marty, how's business these days?" "Great. I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 34th time."

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

"It's Olive isn't it?"

"Mister, I don't know if the glass is half full or half empty. It's 12 dollars."