Bar Banter Specialist Gifts

"So Marty, how's business these days?" "Great. I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 34th time."

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

'Last week I batted a century, and when I got in, all the beer was gone.'

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"If you want anything else, just wave your credit card."

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'I like you, you've got balls.'

'I'm sorry, we don't serve spirits.'

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"It says here that study claims chimps and humans are 96% the same. What's your thoughts Derek?"

That dolphin drinks like a fish.

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

"You do realise that this position is only for the assistant bootlicker to the CEO?"

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"Is that neat whisky?"

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

Inappropriate horse whispering.

'I'll take back 'Rotten Egg' if you'll apologize for 'Dumb Cluck'.'

'That guy is SO tacky.'

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

'Just as I suspected, guys - looks like we'be got ourselves an undercover wine drinker.'

'It's not worth worrying about. There's nothing you can do about it. No two quarks in a small region can occupy the same quantum-mechanical state.'

'The divorce was ugly, but not as ugly as the marriage.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"It's the drink talking"

"I'm not whining."

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."