Bar Conversation Expert Gifts

'The divorce was ugly, but not as ugly as the marriage.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

"Another flue shot, Larry.

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"My world is Tribeca, lars, and yours is a different world."

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

Inappropriate horse whispering.

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"I'm not whining."

"So Marty, how's business these days?" "Great. I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 34th time."

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

"Have you ever known anyone famous?" "I have." "I've always been great friends with Randy 'The Rock' Taylor." "What? That's you." "Carry yourself like everyone knows you, and everyone you meet will feel like they should know you." "Hey, you all over there! You know me!" "You don't carry things with your mouth."

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

'Tell me about it, buddy... I completely understand where you're coming from.'

'The way I got it doped out, post-modern man is all context and fragment.'

Beer companies merge.

'I saw the world in shades of gray once. Boy, did THAT dull my edge!'

'He popped the question last night. 'Who do you think will win the Cup?'

"Stock photo, right?"

"But can you afford two tickets to Africa?"

'Compliments of the gentleman at the end of the bar.'

"I brought Tom home to my parents and left him there."

'You're right. The world's going to hell.'