Bar Conversation Expert Gifts

'The divorce was ugly, but not as ugly as the marriage.'

'Intelligent Design? My arse!'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"Another flue shot, Larry.

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"My world is Tribeca, lars, and yours is a different world."

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

Inappropriate horse whispering.

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

"Have you ever known anyone famous?" "I have." "I've always been great friends with Randy 'The Rock' Taylor." "What? That's you." "Carry yourself like everyone knows you, and everyone you meet will feel like they should know you." "Hey, you all over there! You know me!" "You don't carry things with your mouth."

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

"I'm not whining."

"So Marty, how's business these days?" "Great. I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 34th time."

'Tell me about it, buddy... I completely understand where you're coming from.'

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

'The way I got it doped out, post-modern man is all context and fragment.'

Beer companies merge.

"But can you afford two tickets to Africa?"

I work for a nonprofit organization. Me, too. I appear in a comic strip.

"Stock photo, right?"

"Careful, Blanch. I think he's up to something."

'He popped the question last night. 'Who do you think will win the Cup?'

'Compliments of the gentleman at the end of the bar.'

'I saw the world in shades of gray once. Boy, did THAT dull my edge!'

Have you been undressing me with your eyes? It's okay, I'm a doctor

"I brought Tom home to my parents and left him there."