Bar Talk Expert Gifts

"But can you afford two tickets to Africa?"

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"Another flue shot, Larry.

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

'Bartender...There's soap in my beer glass!' - Man farting bubbles.

"My world is Tribeca, lars, and yours is a different world."

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"If I had been on 'The Brady Bunch', which I wasn't, I'd have been Greg, whom I ain't"

'I feel cosmopolitan tonight, Joe - Give me a scotch with an irish Chaser.'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

Inappropriate horse whispering.

'I think she just whispered those three little words in his ear - Time,Gentlemen,Please!'

Don't look know, but I think you're being Googled.

'The divorce was ugly, but not as ugly as the marriage.'

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

"Have you ever known anyone famous?" "I have." "I've always been great friends with Randy 'The Rock' Taylor." "What? That's you." "Carry yourself like everyone knows you, and everyone you meet will feel like they should know you." "Hey, you all over there! You know me!" "You don't carry things with your mouth."

"I'm not whining."

'Say! You're new here aren't you?'

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"Sooo....my wife and I saw you from across the bar."

"So Marty, how's business these days?" "Great. I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 34th time."

'Tell me about it, buddy... I completely understand where you're coming from.'

'The way I got it doped out, post-modern man is all context and fragment.'

Beer companies merge.

'I saw the world in shades of gray once. Boy, did THAT dull my edge!'

'Compliments of the gentleman at the end of the bar.'

"Stock photo, right?"

'Who was that Chad?' 'Ahh, just an old flame of mine.' Two candles at the bar talking about the flame walking out the door