Bar Expert Gifts

'Compliments of the gentleman at the end of the bar.'

"I'll have a cup of coffee, and would you mind removing that ridiculous painting and turning off the Wilco?"

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

"My wife left me. Then my hard drive died."

"I lost some intellectual property here last night. Anybody remember what the hell I was talking about?"

'I'm into natural foods, Joe -- give me a martini with a soybean in it.'

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

'My thesis was entitled 'Tears of a Clown: Irony or Paradox?''

'If someone sent an email and the National Security Agency did not spy on it, would it still be an email?'

"Look! I can almost spot the bar I should be in right now!"

A mini Kebab take-away and a minibar

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"Do you believe the world is all an illusion?" "I know it is. I know it can be bent by our collective will. When I was born, there were horses and buggies in the streets. But as soon as we all believed we could do it, we went to the moon." "Oh, I agree. That's why I'm trying to get the whole internet to retweet 'It's possible to upload our minds into immortal robot bodies.' If the entire hive mind of Earth tweets that at the same time, it's got to come true." "I hope not. I'd hate for you to end

"Been there, drunk that."

"The worst thing about having aliens abduct you is that they say they’re going to call, but they never do."

"O.K., I admit it, we're lost, but the important thing is to remain focussed on whose fault it is."

"It just happens...one day you wake up and you find that your best billable hours are behind you."

'He thought the fire alarm was the bell for last orders, and ran towards the bar.'

Ostrich Bar

"Time! Ladies and gentlemen please, for yet another probe into the brewing industry"

Our changing neighborhood: new store openings.

"Or perhaps we could just have them wear these 'M-for-Muslim' patches...."

"My conclusion that he lied was based on his body language, his polygraph results, and the complete implausibility of his story."

Chairs - a bar where everybody has a seat!

Don't look know, but I think you're being Googled.

"I'll leave the door open and the hallway light on, but you're much too old to need an attorney in your room."

"With other dates I've been on, long walks on the beach seemed like a cliche, but with you it really feels genuine."

"I've been bounced a few times, but never deposed."

"I'm taking a creative writing class. I turned in my checkbook and got an A."

"Do they look tired to you?"

'C'mon, Larry - you knew the risks when you promised to be my wingman.'

"I've become so good at dating—relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days."