Bar Philosopher Gifts

"Since I no longer trust the media. I get all my news from hysterical people on the street."

"Are you just pissing and moaning, or can you verify what you're saying with data?"

"It just happens...one day you wake up and you find that your best billable hours are behind you."

"I've become so good at dating—relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days."

'I was made Professor Emeritus before my time.'

Troublemakers Bar - 'St,,,stirred, not shaken,'

'She had an exit strategy.'

'Your wife doesn't understand you. . .'

"Catherine has brought gravitas to the marriage."

'Man, you are the first parole office to truly understand me.'

' thought I was pre-med - turned out I was really pre- real estate.'

"I haven't completely abstained, but I only drink in moderation these days."

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"You bring out my maternal instincts. Observe how I nurse my drink."

"Are you having this identity crisis because your current identity sucks?"

"When I die I want to come back as anything that has more sex than humans."

Bra thrown in face of embarrased pub drinker: 'At one time you'd have been lucky to get a packet of peanuts in this pub.'

"I believe in all things in moderation. Especially restraint."

'It's a shame that valuable water gets wasted to wash cars or to take showers. It should be used responsible and for useful purposes only - for example to make whiskey.'

'Why do you have such a holier than thou attitude, Sid?'

'Sure I had the world on a string, sittin' on a rainbow, but my finger turned blue and my hemorrhoids were killing me!'

'Do you believe in reincarnation?' - 'I don't now, but I did when I was Napoleon.'

'You call that enlightened?'

"I wish I could remember what it is I'm drinking to forget."

It isn't just the media that's biased...often the voters are too.

'Well admit it, we're both here for the same reason.'

'I look back on my career and all I see are a******s. I guess that's why they call it 'hindsight'.'

Hell, yes, it's lonely at the top. Plus I get nosebleeds.

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

Woman are like good cholesterol.

"I'm going through life feeling completely miscast."

'The boss is very pleased with me.'

I have nothing against Twittering, I just find the name emasculating.

"They say every vote counts, but I never learned to."

'I used to work for the Treasury Department, but there's no future in economic forecasts.'