Bar Philosophers Gifts

"I lost some intellectual property here last night. Anybody remember what the hell I was talking about?"

"Oh, I'm happy enough - I just wish my life were more like Sting's."

'My thesis was entitled 'Tears of a Clown: Irony or Paradox?''

"The worst thing about having aliens abduct you is that they say they’re going to call, but they never do."

"It now appears as if I'll go through my entire life without ever sending a limo for anyone or having one sent for me."

"Do you believe the world is all an illusion?" "I know it is. I know it can be bent by our collective will. When I was born, there were horses and buggies in the streets. But as soon as we all believed we could do it, we went to the moon." "Oh, I agree. That's why I'm trying to get the whole internet to retweet 'It's possible to upload our minds into immortal robot bodies.' If the entire hive mind of Earth tweets that at the same time, it's got to come true." "I hope not. I'd hate for you to end

'It's been 3 weeks and still no rapture...I'm not waitin' that long fah you to pay yaw'r bah tab.'

'If you are a complete pessimist does it mean you are positively negative!'

'I'm not particularly religious, but I do believe in Harvey.'

"I'll bet your're a Taurus. Right?"

'Men are like fragments of soap... they get together in bars!'

'The way I see it, sobriety is a preventable, condition.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

'I trust these equations settle the argument, Professor Lang. It's your round.'

'Your husband? He's just leaving...'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

"A sentimental journey of a thousand miles begins with the first martini."

Traditional Ale - Traditional Drunk

I've decided to shift down a few gears.'

Men gossiping

"When I was a child, I drank like a child, but when I became a man I put away childish drinks."

"If it's a series of patterned clicks, I'm not here."

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

ONE HORSE TOWN

'Man. Piltdown Man.'

'They're not beer stains. This is actually a 'Rorschach test' patterned shirt.'

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

'Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine... LAST!'

'A quick pint or a quiet drink?'

"In my class, I'm not interested in grades. I'm interested in you becoming a better person!"

I asked my girlfriend if there was someone else...