Bar Talk Philosopher Gifts

"We didn't have kids so my wife got custody of the cats. Praise the Lord."

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

"Another flue shot, Larry.

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"I lost some intellectual property here last night. Anybody remember what the hell I was talking about?"

"My world is Tribeca, lars, and yours is a different world."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

'Hold on there Jethro! You know I don't tolerate that kind of horseplay in this joint.'

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

'My - You've matured, my dear.'

'My thesis was entitled 'Tears of a Clown: Irony or Paradox?''

"The worst thing about having aliens abduct you is that they say they’re going to call, but they never do."

"Do you believe the world is all an illusion?" "I know it is. I know it can be bent by our collective will. When I was born, there were horses and buggies in the streets. But as soon as we all believed we could do it, we went to the moon." "Oh, I agree. That's why I'm trying to get the whole internet to retweet 'It's possible to upload our minds into immortal robot bodies.' If the entire hive mind of Earth tweets that at the same time, it's got to come true." "I hope not. I'd hate for you to end

"Been there, drunk that."

"It just happens...one day you wake up and you find that your best billable hours are behind you."

"I've been bounced a few times, but never deposed."

"I've become so good at dating—relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days."

'The divorce was ugly, but not as ugly as the marriage.'

'Your wife doesn't understand you. . .'

"Some days I really wish I had finished med school. Not that I ever started med school."

"I broke off the relationship, then came the endless reminders, the sad letters and emails...It's tough cancelling a subscription."

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I think I know where you're going with this: Yes, he was talking about happy hour.

'I drink to bring about change.'

"I know what women want. Her lawyer told me."

'Tell me about it, buddy... I completely understand where you're coming from.'

"Since I no longer trust the media. I get all my news from hysterical people on the street."

'The way I got it doped out, post-modern man is all context and fragment.'

''Evening, Bob - the usual?'

'Three things I don't think we should talk about ... politics, religion, and everything else!'

Hell, yes, it's lonely at the top. Plus I get nosebleeds.

"I can't tell if I feel tired because I'm older, or I feel older because I'm tired."

'It's from the local microbrewery.'