Barroom Philosopher Gifts

'I don't like your face.'

'I'm a compassionate conservative, pal, but don't push it!'

'Hold on there Jethro! You know I don't tolerate that kind of horseplay in this joint.'

'What's the topic? Football, cricket, snooker, darts...'

"You just sit there quietly with no simmering anger, no harsh words, nor surly attitude? You trying to start something?"

"My email is down... talk to me."

"How do you say ‘Where is the bathroom’ in Sanskrit?"

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"I lost some intellectual property here last night. Anybody remember what the hell I was talking about?"

"All this namby pamby nonsense about stress...I've been stressed for YEARS and it's never done ME any harm... " "But you're only 25!"

"Well, he looks alive as of 10 minutes ago, but the stream is frozen."

"I've been having stomach problems. I sit on the bathroom for 30 minutes in the morning...and a half-hour in the evening."

"Hydro density appartus invention? Go away - I'm not disturbing his bath for that!"

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

"So that's where you were last night."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

'I suppose the word 'patient' is used because that's what you have to be!'

'My thesis was entitled 'Tears of a Clown: Irony or Paradox?''

"The worst thing about having aliens abduct you is that they say they’re going to call, but they never do."

'Wow, look at all these prescription drugs that are out of date.' FLUSH 'Happy as clams explained.'

"Been there, drunk that."

"Do you believe the world is all an illusion?" "I know it is. I know it can be bent by our collective will. When I was born, there were horses and buggies in the streets. But as soon as we all believed we could do it, we went to the moon." "Oh, I agree. That's why I'm trying to get the whole internet to retweet 'It's possible to upload our minds into immortal robot bodies.' If the entire hive mind of Earth tweets that at the same time, it's got to come true." "I hope not. I'd hate for you to end

"It just happens...one day you wake up and you find that your best billable hours are behind you."

'I take a cold shower every morning... right after my daughters have taken hot ones.'

'I wanted shorter hours, so he cut my breaks.'

"I've been bounced a few times, but never deposed."

'Dr. Bone's first opening for a new patient is 2 months from now. Will that work for you?'

'It's been a rough day, my shirt button fell off, the handle of my brief case came off... I'm too scared to go to the bathroom!'

"Well, it's another brand-new day. What do you say to getting up and looking the damn thing straight in the eye?"

"I think somebody thinks I've been away from my desk too long."

"I've become so good at dating—relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days."

'Your wife doesn't understand you. . .'