Breakroom Philosopher Gifts

"All this namby pamby nonsense about stress...I've been stressed for YEARS and it's never done ME any harm... " "But you're only 25!"

Water: Regular, Premium and Ultra.

'I wanted shorter hours, so he cut my breaks.'

We appreciate that you do the work of three people, John, but that doesn't mean you get three lunch breaks.

"I'm getting tired of this same old office grind."

"Your work ethic is making the rest of us look bad. Here, have a 5-Hour Lack of Energy drink."

"I forgot to charge my brain last night so I'm going to spend the rest of the day staring at the wall."

"My email is down... talk to me."

"How do you say ‘Where is the bathroom’ in Sanskrit?"

'I know it's a bit unusual, but that's where he gets all the best ideas.'

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

'Hold on there Jethro! You know I don't tolerate that kind of horseplay in this joint.'

"Hydro density appartus invention? Go away - I'm not disturbing his bath for that!"

"I've been having stomach problems. I sit on the bathroom for 30 minutes in the morning...and a half-hour in the evening."

'I suppose the word 'patient' is used because that's what you have to be!'

'Wow, look at all these prescription drugs that are out of date.' FLUSH 'Happy as clams explained.'

'I take a cold shower every morning... right after my daughters have taken hot ones.'

"I think somebody thinks I've been away from my desk too long."

"Well, it's another brand-new day. What do you say to getting up and looking the damn thing straight in the eye?"

"When it takes longer to wash your face, you're getting bald."

'This makes things very messy. He's claiming he programmed the lunchroom toaster to do muffins.'

Vanity artist

'It's been a rough day, my shirt button fell off, the handle of my brief case came off... I'm too scared to go to the bathroom!'

I've got a new theory, Randy, and it's going to shock the world. Why? Because it's pretty much irrefutable. You know how when you're in the bathroom, it feels like five minutes have passed … but to those waiting to use it, it feels like forever? Yes … And you know how when you're at the event horizon of a black hole, five minutes to you actually is forever to the rest of the universe? ... I think we'd better alert Neil Degrasse Tyson. I call it the Time Toilation Theory.

'Dr. Bone's first opening for a new patient is 2 months from now. Will that work for you?'

Cathy decides to remain standing on the scale until she loses weight.

Everyone has a good novel inside them.

I guess Grandpa was once a wise king, too. He always says he does his best thinking on the throne.

Writer's irony.

'If they don't want me drinking out of the toilet, what's this roll of napkins for?'

Wash hand before making sound of one hand clapping.

'Aw, come on guys - at the end of the day, it's only a game - right?'

Isn't that a surveillance camera?

'I. Am. So. Embarrassed! How long have I been sitting across from him with that stuck in my teeth?'