Barside Philosopher Gifts

'An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. . .'

'No standing while room is in motion.'

"Ooooh, I bet that feels nice."

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

He can identify a fly taken by a trout at fifty yards range.

Of pitting his own wits against their natural cunning

'Hold on there Jethro! You know I don't tolerate that kind of horseplay in this joint.'

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

Shallow End (Slightly innocuous statements) - Deep End (a little more weighty)

"It ain't easy, Doc. There's a lot of pier pressure."

'How's the water, dear?'

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

How Relaxing It Is To Go To The Beach. . . How Close You Live To The Beach.

Meekness of Mr Pecksniff and his Charming Daughter

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

"Been there, drunk that."

"It just happens...one day you wake up and you find that your best billable hours are behind you."

My first mistake.

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

Mozart on a lilo

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

"I've been bounced a few times, but never deposed."

"Alarmingly, after five minutes the pool had come no closer."

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

'Perhaps we should leave details of the divorce settlement until after we are married.'

"I've become so good at dating—relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days."

'Your wife doesn't understand you. . .'

'Wow, swimming IS great exercise! The bathroom scale I put down here shows I'm 20 pounds lighter!'

Chicken: the one-man show

"I know what women want. Her lawyer told me."

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'