Barside Philosopher Gifts

'An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. . .'

'No standing while room is in motion.'

"Ooooh, I bet that feels nice."

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

He can identify a fly taken by a trout at fifty yards range.

Of pitting his own wits against their natural cunning

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

'Hold on there Jethro! You know I don't tolerate that kind of horseplay in this joint.'

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

Shallow End (Slightly innocuous statements) - Deep End (a little more weighty)

"It ain't easy, Doc. There's a lot of pier pressure."

'How's the water, dear?'

Meekness of Mr Pecksniff and his Charming Daughter

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

"Been there, drunk that."

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

How Relaxing It Is To Go To The Beach. . . How Close You Live To The Beach.

"It just happens...one day you wake up and you find that your best billable hours are behind you."

My first mistake.

"Alarmingly, after five minutes the pool had come no closer."

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

"I've been bounced a few times, but never deposed."

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

'Perhaps we should leave details of the divorce settlement until after we are married.'

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

Mozart on a lilo

"I've become so good at dating—relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days."

'Your wife doesn't understand you. . .'

Chicken: the one-man show

'Wow, swimming IS great exercise! The bathroom scale I put down here shows I'm 20 pounds lighter!'

Artist Misses the Point

"I know what women want. Her lawyer told me."