Bedside Philosopher Gifts

"There were so many things I wished my father would have talked to me about when I was your age, but I'd rather not discuss them."

"Talk nerdy to me."

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

"Feel free to take notes."

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

For some reason, "The Road Less Travelled" GPS package never really caught on...

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

"Ooooh, I bet that feels nice."

A bear is sat on an armchair with old man slippers.

He can identify a fly taken by a trout at fifty yards range.

Canine obidience class: 'He wouldn't budge from the armchair.'

The dangerous world of the armchair thinker

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

"Well did he?"

Of pitting his own wits against their natural cunning

The Three Kinds of People

'Hold on there Jethro! You know I don't tolerate that kind of horseplay in this joint.'

"Lemme guess: You're struggling with the French press again."

'What do you mean 'theoretically'? Everything we do is theoretical.'

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

"I don't believe in egrets."

"That's right - 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.' You just keep on thinking that..."

"Think about the honey."

Shallow End (Slightly innocuous statements) - Deep End (a little more weighty)

'How's the water, dear?'

Meekness of Mr Pecksniff and his Charming Daughter

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

"But now the good guy with a gun has a foot wound."

"Just when I think things couldn’t get any worse, they replace The Lockhorns with Doonesbury!"

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

"Before the library cuts I was well-read now I just have ill-informed opinions."

'Do I believe in evolution? - Well, I suppose we should get it over with.'