Bar Room Philosophers Gifts

"I'm thinking maybe I no longer want to be your sponsor."

"My email is down... talk to me."

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"I lost some intellectual property here last night. Anybody remember what the hell I was talking about?"

"All this namby pamby nonsense about stress...I've been stressed for YEARS and it's never done ME any harm... " "But you're only 25!"

'Man. Piltdown Man.'

'Hold on there Jethro! You know I don't tolerate that kind of horseplay in this joint.'

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

'I suppose the word 'patient' is used because that's what you have to be!'

'My thesis was entitled 'Tears of a Clown: Irony or Paradox?''

"Been there, drunk that."

"Do you believe the world is all an illusion?" "I know it is. I know it can be bent by our collective will. When I was born, there were horses and buggies in the streets. But as soon as we all believed we could do it, we went to the moon." "Oh, I agree. That's why I'm trying to get the whole internet to retweet 'It's possible to upload our minds into immortal robot bodies.' If the entire hive mind of Earth tweets that at the same time, it's got to come true." "I hope not. I'd hate for you to end

"The worst thing about having aliens abduct you is that they say they’re going to call, but they never do."

"It just happens...one day you wake up and you find that your best billable hours are behind you."

'I wanted shorter hours, so he cut my breaks.'

'Dr. Bone's first opening for a new patient is 2 months from now. Will that work for you?'

"Well, it's another brand-new day. What do you say to getting up and looking the damn thing straight in the eye?"

"I think somebody thinks I've been away from my desk too long."

"I've been bounced a few times, but never deposed."

"I've become so good at dating—relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days."

'Your wife doesn't understand you. . .'

"I know what women want. Her lawyer told me."

Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I think I know where you're going with this: Yes, he was talking about happy hour.

"Some days I really wish I had finished med school. Not that I ever started med school."

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"It's beginning to appear as if I'll never have greatness thrust upon me."

"I broke off the relationship, then came the endless reminders, the sad letters and emails...It's tough cancelling a subscription."

'I drink to bring about change.'

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

Isn't that a surveillance camera?

"Since I no longer trust the media. I get all my news from hysterical people on the street."