Bar Stool Philosophers Gifts

"How come all your alcohol is behind a paywall?"

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

'No standing while room is in motion.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

"It's kind of sweet when they're all settled in like this."

"I lost some intellectual property here last night. Anybody remember what the hell I was talking about?"

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

'Hold on there Jethro! You know I don't tolerate that kind of horseplay in this joint.'

'My thesis was entitled 'Tears of a Clown: Irony or Paradox?''

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

"Been there, drunk that."

"The worst thing about having aliens abduct you is that they say they’re going to call, but they never do."

"Do you believe the world is all an illusion?" "I know it is. I know it can be bent by our collective will. When I was born, there were horses and buggies in the streets. But as soon as we all believed we could do it, we went to the moon." "Oh, I agree. That's why I'm trying to get the whole internet to retweet 'It's possible to upload our minds into immortal robot bodies.' If the entire hive mind of Earth tweets that at the same time, it's got to come true." "I hope not. I'd hate for you to end

"It just happens...one day you wake up and you find that your best billable hours are behind you."

My first mistake.

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

'Listen Mabel, you are 70, I am 75 and we have known each other since junior school. It's pure wishful thinking on your part if you claim I am 'grooming' you...'

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

"I've been bounced a few times, but never deposed."

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

"I've become so good at dating—relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days."

'Your wife doesn't understand you. . .'

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

'I drink to bring about change.'

"I broke off the relationship, then came the endless reminders, the sad letters and emails...It's tough cancelling a subscription."

"I know what women want. Her lawyer told me."

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

"Some days I really wish I had finished med school. Not that I ever started med school."

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'