Barstool Intellectual Gifts

"Don't ask me. I don't know what 'my country 'tis of thee' means, either."

Before you brag to your buddies about how you ate the worm at the bottom of a bottle of tequila, I should tell you that you really are the larval from of the moth Hypopta Agavis, which is, of course, a far less macho thing to do. Nobody likes a bartender who went to college.

'No standing while room is in motion.'

The intellectual.

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

"It's kind of sweet when they're all settled in like this."

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

'Hold on there Jethro! You know I don't tolerate that kind of horseplay in this joint.'

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

My first mistake.

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

"It's all show-as soon as Marks gone he switches off the football and reads Proust..."

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

"She got the house, six thousand a month and custody of our people."

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

"Care for an oxymoron?"

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

'Only the high-traffic path needs cleaning - from the couch to the bar.'

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

"I broke off the relationship, then came the endless reminders, the sad letters and emails...It's tough cancelling a subscription."

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

'Boozer's Week.'

'I want a classic that reveals eternal truths, absolute justice and moral courage without challenging my basic prejudices.'

"I gotta say: I admire his judicial temperament."

'It's from the local microbrewery.'

"How come all your alcohol is behind a paywall?"

"It was very amicable—I gave her everything."

'Three things I don't think we should talk about ... politics, religion, and everything else!'