Barstool Intellectual Gifts

"Don't ask me. I don't know what 'my country 'tis of thee' means, either."

'No standing while room is in motion.'

The intellectual.

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

"It's kind of sweet when they're all settled in like this."

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

'Hold on there Jethro! You know I don't tolerate that kind of horseplay in this joint.'

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

My first mistake.

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

"Care for an oxymoron?"

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

"It's all show-as soon as Marks gone he switches off the football and reads Proust..."

"She got the house, six thousand a month and custody of our people."

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

'Only the high-traffic path needs cleaning - from the couch to the bar.'

"I broke off the relationship, then came the endless reminders, the sad letters and emails...It's tough cancelling a subscription."

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

'Boozer's Week.'

'I want a classic that reveals eternal truths, absolute justice and moral courage without challenging my basic prejudices.'

"So, your friend Victor's a doctor?"

'Three things I don't think we should talk about ... politics, religion, and everything else!'

"How come all your alcohol is behind a paywall?"

"I'll get that. First go get me a glass of warm water."

"I only drink to be sociable. . . if it's any of your business!"