Barstool Storyteller Gifts

"I have a female landlubber in every port."

'I know you live a life of quiet desperation -- you never shut up about it!'

'No standing while room is in motion.'

'Do I like kids? You bet I do: I deliver babies for a living...'

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

Hot pot

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

My first mistake.

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

"She got the house, six thousand a month and custody of our people."

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

'Only the high-traffic path needs cleaning - from the couch to the bar.'

"I broke off the relationship, then came the endless reminders, the sad letters and emails...It's tough cancelling a subscription."

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

'Boozer's Week.'

"I gotta say: I admire his judicial temperament."

"Don't ask me. I don't know what 'my country 'tis of thee' means, either."

"I only drink to be sociable. . . if it's any of your business!"

'Three things I don't think we should talk about ... politics, religion, and everything else!'

"Like the old saying goes, when the cat's away, the mouse better not do anything that'll get him choked out when the cat gets back."

"How come all your alcohol is behind a paywall?"

'What a twist of fate!'

"So, your friend Victor's a doctor?"

'It's from the local microbrewery.'

"You'll know when I've had enough. You'll have to wipe up the mess."