Barstool Storyteller Gifts

"I have a female landlubber in every port."

'I know you live a life of quiet desperation -- you never shut up about it!'

'No standing while room is in motion.'

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

'Do I like kids? You bet I do: I deliver babies for a living...'

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

Hot pot

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

My first mistake.

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

"She got the house, six thousand a month and custody of our people."

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

'Only the high-traffic path needs cleaning - from the couch to the bar.'

"I broke off the relationship, then came the endless reminders, the sad letters and emails...It's tough cancelling a subscription."

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

'Boozer's Week.'

"Don't ask me. I don't know what 'my country 'tis of thee' means, either."

"You'll know when I've had enough. You'll have to wipe up the mess."

'What a twist of fate!'

"It was very amicable—I gave her everything."

'Three things I don't think we should talk about ... politics, religion, and everything else!'

"So, your friend Victor's a doctor?"

"I gotta say: I admire his judicial temperament."

'I was in one of them tooth for a tooth squabbles.'

"How come all your alcohol is behind a paywall?"

"I only drink to be sociable. . . if it's any of your business!"