Barstool Humorist Gifts

"I gotta say: I admire his judicial temperament."

"Hey barkeep! Is there anything but the Food Channel on the microwave?"

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'No standing while room is in motion.'

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

"What other tricks does he need?"

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

My first mistake.

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

"She got the house, six thousand a month and custody of our people."

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

"She said don't forget the straw."

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

'Only the high-traffic path needs cleaning - from the couch to the bar.'

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

'Boozer's Week.'

'I'd like a brandy please...'

"Is that true love or what? My masters are vegetarians, but they still buy me juicy bones..."

"Don't ask me. I don't know what 'my country 'tis of thee' means, either."