Barstool Humorist Gifts

"I gotta say: I admire his judicial temperament."

"Hey barkeep! Is there anything but the Food Channel on the microwave?"

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

'No standing while room is in motion.'

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

"What other tricks does he need?"

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

"Drinking improves my vodkabulary."

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

My first mistake.

'Have you been taking your medicine every day?'

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

"She got the house, six thousand a month and custody of our people."

'Of all the fern bars in Encino, she's gotta walk into mine.'

Mo's USA Bar: Tips/Tariffs

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

"She said don't forget the straw."

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

'Only the high-traffic path needs cleaning - from the couch to the bar.'

If a motorist came bursting through the doors...would he be up for damages?

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

"Would you please sip your drink and not swill it!"

'I'd like to get in touch with my feminine side, Joe -- bring me a Bloody Mary.'

'Boozer's Week.'

"So, your friend Victor's a doctor?"

"Is that true love or what? My masters are vegetarians, but they still buy me juicy bones..."

"Don't ask me. I don't know what 'my country 'tis of thee' means, either."