Barstool Poet Gifts

'Oh, will you stop blubbering?!... I've come for the guy at the end of the bar!'

'No standing while room is in motion.'

A woman with a novel and poetry handbag.

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

"It's kind of sweet when they're all settled in like this."

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"I'm trying to write a drinking song, but I can't get past the first couple of bars."

'Hold on there Jethro! You know I don't tolerate that kind of horseplay in this joint.'

Goldylocks and the Three Beers.

"Now the board will hear from Todd from Accounting with his free verse composition 'My Mistress, Brash and Beguiling – the Third Quarter Numbers.'"

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

My first mistake.

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

"She got the house, six thousand a month and custody of our people."

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

'Only the high-traffic path needs cleaning - from the couch to the bar.'

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

"I broke off the relationship, then came the endless reminders, the sad letters and emails...It's tough cancelling a subscription."

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

'Boozer's Week.'

'Three things I don't think we should talk about ... politics, religion, and everything else!'

"It was very amicable—I gave her everything."

"How come all your alcohol is behind a paywall?"

"So, your friend Victor's a doctor?"

"I gotta say: I admire his judicial temperament."

"I only drink to be sociable. . . if it's any of your business!"