Barstool Philosophers Gifts

Tuesday is Short Barstool Night. This is humiliating, but it still beats Short Beer Night.

'No standing while room is in motion.'

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"I lost some intellectual property here last night. Anybody remember what the hell I was talking about?"

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

'Hold on there Jethro! You know I don't tolerate that kind of horseplay in this joint.'

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

'My thesis was entitled 'Tears of a Clown: Irony or Paradox?''

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

"Been there, drunk that."

"The worst thing about having aliens abduct you is that they say they’re going to call, but they never do."

"Do you believe the world is all an illusion?" "I know it is. I know it can be bent by our collective will. When I was born, there were horses and buggies in the streets. But as soon as we all believed we could do it, we went to the moon." "Oh, I agree. That's why I'm trying to get the whole internet to retweet 'It's possible to upload our minds into immortal robot bodies.' If the entire hive mind of Earth tweets that at the same time, it's got to come true." "I hope not. I'd hate for you to end

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

"It just happens...one day you wake up and you find that your best billable hours are behind you."

My first mistake.

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

"She got the house, six thousand a month and custody of our people."

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

"I've been bounced a few times, but never deposed."

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

"I've become so good at dating—relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days."

'Only the high-traffic path needs cleaning - from the couch to the bar.'

'Your wife doesn't understand you. . .'

'I drink to bring about change.'

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

"I know what women want. Her lawyer told me."

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"