Barstool Banter Lover Gifts

"I tried victimless crime, but I'm a people person."

'No standing while room is in motion.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

'I like you, you've got balls.'

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

An Archeologic Dig

"Where do you see yourself in five pints time?"

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

"It feels like me against the world but it's actually just the state of Connecticut."

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

My first mistake.

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

"She got the house, six thousand a month and custody of our people."

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

Sigh. They never ask me to play.

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

"It's easy for me. Three beers and I'm in the zone."

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

'Only the high-traffic path needs cleaning - from the couch to the bar.'

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

"I may have bird legs but at least I don't have crow's feet."

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

'Here comes Ted.'

Can't stand him. He really gets on my nerves, he does. Old curmudgeon embarrassing himself like that."

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

"I'll have a Maker's Mark, and she'll have a shot at being the mother she never was."

STILL LIVES - Double Head Match: 'I think we're a match made in heaven.' 'It seems more like the the work of the Devil to me!'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"That's okay, I lost my wife years ago. Worst poker hand I ever played."

"It's Olive isn't it?"