Barstool Philosophers Pillows

'No standing while room is in motion.'

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

"I lost some intellectual property here last night. Anybody remember what the hell I was talking about?"

"Events seem to be headed in the right direction. Unfortunately, it's not taking me with it."

'Hold on there Jethro! You know I don't tolerate that kind of horseplay in this joint.'

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

'My thesis was entitled 'Tears of a Clown: Irony or Paradox?''

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

"Been there, drunk that."

"The worst thing about having aliens abduct you is that they say they’re going to call, but they never do."

"Do you believe the world is all an illusion?" "I know it is. I know it can be bent by our collective will. When I was born, there were horses and buggies in the streets. But as soon as we all believed we could do it, we went to the moon." "Oh, I agree. That's why I'm trying to get the whole internet to retweet 'It's possible to upload our minds into immortal robot bodies.' If the entire hive mind of Earth tweets that at the same time, it's got to come true." "I hope not. I'd hate for you to end

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

"It just happens...one day you wake up and you find that your best billable hours are behind you."

My first mistake.

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

"I've been bounced a few times, but never deposed."

"She got the house, six thousand a month and custody of our people."

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

"I've become so good at dating—relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days."

'Your wife doesn't understand you. . .'

'Only the high-traffic path needs cleaning - from the couch to the bar.'

"I know what women want. Her lawyer told me."

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'