Barstool Philosopher Pillows

"I'm a big fan of your work."

"Now, if New York were sunny and bright like Colorado, then that would be another story."

'Boozer's Week.'

My first mistake.

'No, I'm not here to grant your wishes. I'm here to tell you that you've had way too much to drink and you're starting to hallucinate!'

"Of course, you see everything from a very special perspective."

'If I'm an agnostic, what's an atheist?' 'Never mind that. If I'm an atheist, what's an agnostic?'

"I feel as if everything in my life has happened offstage."

"My smart-card doesn't understand me."

'Experience has taught me all I know, and many things I never wanted to know.'

'Play dumb. You can't have the culpability if you don't have the capability.'

'I can remember the days when you could buy a round of drinks in cash without reaching for your chequebook.'

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

'He has trouble choosing what he wants.'

"My wife thinks I'm out looking for a job..."

'Hey darling, I shall be late, missed the gravy train!'

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

"I'm re-balancing my portfolio to 10% bonds, 90% scotch."

'No standing while room is in motion.'

'That's happy hour!'

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'

"Say - this electronic bourbon isn't bad."

"I tried saying it with flowers, but my attorney said it with cash."

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

"My problem is my watch has stopped at drink o'clock."

"God does exist, he just doesn't want to get involved."

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

"So, your friend Victor's a doctor?"

"Twenty bucks says he pulls out a Moleskin."

"So how's the family? Still disintegrating?"

"I keep thinking how much pleasanter New York would be without Ed, Donald, and George."

"If I had it to do all over again I wouldn't change much—maybe part my hair on the other side."