Barstool Psychologist Pillows

"My boss sent my job overseas, and my wife left me for an illegal alien!"

'You see, Brad, I'm not just a highly polished career woman.'

'No standing while room is in motion.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

"It's kind of sweet when they're all settled in like this."

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

'Hold on there Jethro! You know I don't tolerate that kind of horseplay in this joint.'

"It turns out I just wasted the whole morning networking with a dog."

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

"How could you forget where you buried dad. You do know he has the car keys in his pocket?"

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

My first mistake.

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

"She got the house, six thousand a month and custody of our people."

"Oh, it's just more white-male stuff."

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

'Only the high-traffic path needs cleaning - from the couch to the bar.'

"I broke off the relationship, then came the endless reminders, the sad letters and emails...It's tough cancelling a subscription."

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

'Boozer's Week.'

"Come pick me up. This is going nowhere,"

"So, your friend Victor's a doctor?"

'Three things I don't think we should talk about ... politics, religion, and everything else!'

"Don't ask me. I don't know what 'my country 'tis of thee' means, either."

"I only drink to be sociable. . . if it's any of your business!"