Barstool Sage Gifts

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

"She got the house, six thousand a month and custody of our people."

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

"How was my day? I'm still calculating the little victories minus the humiliations I normally suffer."

'No standing while room is in motion.'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

"It's kind of sweet when they're all settled in like this."

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

"They remove people who have become 'jammed in armchairs' due to COVID 19 lockdown!"

'Well,we had a good run.' - Worldwide Hops Shortage.

'I was in the right place at the right time once, and then I realized it wasn't ME.'

My first mistake.

I can have any woman I please - trouble is, these days they're almost impossible to please.

"Ralph - you'd play better golf if you had your eyes checked."

"Do you know what we need? We need drinking songs."

"Real estate values soar, cute boutiques proliferate, fine cuisine abounds. These are exciting times to live in Hoboken."

'Get the theatre ready we got another one from the cocktail bar.'

'When he drinks too much he starts eating bollocks.'

'Only the high-traffic path needs cleaning - from the couch to the bar.'

"The problem is: reasonable men may differ on what the hell reason is!"

'One thing about beer -- you never get buyer's remorse.'

"I love marriage...It's my husband I hate."

'Boozer's Week.'

'Found it ... Good heavens! It's the size of a soccer ball!..'

"Don't ask me. I don't know what 'my country 'tis of thee' means, either."

"I gotta say: I admire his judicial temperament."

"So, your friend Victor's a doctor?"

What can I get you? Something light but filling. Flavorful but not too spicy. Healthy but not boring. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Something right in the middle. Neither here nor there. It must walk the line of non-offensive yet opinionated. I wonder if Arby's is taking applications. If I eat a sandwich in the woods and no one is around, do I make a sound?

"My wife thinks I'm out looking for a job..."

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

"No, actually the viola is played more like this."

'He has trouble choosing what he wants.'

"I'm at that point in my life where I'm wondering at what point in my life I am."

"I keep thinking how much pleasanter New York would be without Ed, Donald, and George."

"Twenty bucks says he pulls out a Moleskin."