Bar Chat Guru Gifts

"Ambitions... to receive the MBE for services to the brewing industry."

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"Another flue shot, Larry.

"My world is Tribeca, lars, and yours is a different world."

'You can't win - a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but ignorance is no excuse!'

'The divorce was ugly, but not as ugly as the marriage.'

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"Have you ever known anyone famous?" "I have." "I've always been great friends with Randy 'The Rock' Taylor." "What? That's you." "Carry yourself like everyone knows you, and everyone you meet will feel like they should know you." "Hey, you all over there! You know me!" "You don't carry things with your mouth."

'Women, can't live with 'em, can't live without em.'

'The way I got it doped out, post-modern man is all context and fragment.'

'Yesterday her kids and my kids started beating up our kids.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

"But can you afford two tickets to Africa?"

'I don't let her have her way... she does it without my permission!'

'I was given a ton of great career advice when I graduated from college. Unfortunately, I can't remember any of it because my entire brain is filled with passwords and PIN numbers.'

"And another thing. When they start telling you 'You've still got it,' you don't."

"Peter's a man of few tweets, but many social media platforms."

"Actually, I'd love to work on Mars, but it's a hell of a commute."

'No, I don't like them, their shirts make me look fat.'

'Yeah, but did you hear the crowd roar when I hooked the cape out of your hands?'

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'

"Wine improves with age."

"I put an olive in my beer and turn it into a health drink."

Oh quit chasing your fifteen minutes of fame, you spend thousands of hours under surveillance cameras.

"My wife is a doctor. That's great because I can endure the TV news only under general anesthesia."

"I look at a man's hands. If he has long fingers it usually means he has long toes."

"I've never been one for conspiracy theories."

"My wife's an angel."

"He went red state on me."

"My wife left me and ran away with someone else..."

"I hear the middle class is really getting it in the neck."

"Try telling that to the Kansas Board of Education."